Apabila Ayah Melebihkan Isteri Muda

Sayu hati saya melihatkan ibu. Wanita yang gigih mengharungi kehidupan ini tanpa suami di sisi, walaupun sebenarnya suaminya wujud. Ya..memang suaminya wujud, tapi bukan bersamanya tetapi bersama “isteri muda”.

Nama saya Zarul (bukan nama sebenar). Saya adalah anak isteri pertama dari keluarga yang berpoligami. Saya mempunyai seorang abang dan seorang adik perempuan. Hidup kami sekeluarga mewah sebenarnya. Ayah seorang yang berjawatan tinggi dan berpengaruh. Tetapi sejak ayah berpoligami, hidup kami serba kekurangan.

Sudah 17 tahun ayah berpoligami dan sejak itu juga la ayah mengabaikan tanggungjawabnya sebagai seorang suami dan ayah. Ibu? Wanita ini memang cekal. 17 tahun hidup bagai gantung tak bertali; ditinggalkan begitu sahaja; tiada lafaz cerai atau penjelasan dari ayah. Ayah ada memberi nafkah kepada kami sekeluarga tetapi tidak mencukupi untuk perbelanjaan makan minum, sewa rumah, duit belanja dan yuran universiti. Terpaksalah kami mengikat perut.

Saya pernah ke rumah ayah dengan isteri mudanya. Mereka hidup mewah. Ada tiga buah rumah besar, sedangkan kami masih menyewa. Berpindah-randah tapi masih tetap menyewa. Adilkah ayah buat begini pada kami? Tapi saya hanya berdiam diri kerana ibu cakap tak payah la kita nak buat kecoh sebab duit belanja kita hanya bergantung kepada ayah. Saya ikut cakap ibu sebab tak mahu ibu susah hati. Walaupun dalam hati ini memberontak.

Saya ingat lagi, bila mula sesi persekolahan, ibu lah orang yang paling sibuk menguruskan kami. Daftarkan urusan persekolahan, bayar yuran hingga lah aku dan adik berjaya melanjutkan pelajaran ke peringkat universiti. Ayah? Dia langsung tak ambil peduli. Dia hanya beri duit belanja, tidak kira la kalau waktu itu kami memerlukan lebih duit untuk sesi persekolahan baru atau hari raya. Kalau ibu minta lebih duit belanja, ayah akan mengamuk, naik angin kata ibu tak pandai berjimat sedangkan hakikatnya wang yang diberikan tidak mencukupi untuk kami sekeluarga.

Ada satu insiden yang saya tidak akan lupa sampai bila-bila. Satu hari saya kemalangan, dan dimasukkan ke hospital. Ayah langsung tidak datang melawat saya di hospital! Hati saya sangat sedih bila mengenangkan perbuatan ayah. Tidak ada sekelumit sayangkah kepada anaknya ini? Saya betul-betul sedih! Masa hari perbicaraan kes kemalangan juga ayah tidak hadir, malah semuanya ibu dan abang yang menguruskan. Ayah juga tidak hadir di hari konvokesyen saya. Bersama-sama meraikan kejayaan anaknya ini. Entahlah...hati ini bagai dihiris mengenangkan perangai ayah!

Oh..mungkin anda semua tertanya-tanya, di mana abang saya? Abang bekerja dengan ayah dan isteri mudanya. Kami di Kuala Lumpur manakala abang menetap di utara. Oleh sebab abang bekerja dengan ayah, maka abang hanya mendiamkan diri sahaja. Tapi abang selalu juga bertanya khabar tentang ibu, saya dan adik. Saya tak salahkan abang jika dia hanya mendiamkan diri kerana mungkin dia ingin menjaga periuk nasinya.

Bercerita tentang abang, ada satu peristiwa yang saya rasa ayah sangat melampau. Menidakkan hak ibu terhadap anaknya. Hari bersejarah dalam keluarga kami, bila abang berkahwin. Majlis resepsi sebelah lelaki diadakan di kediaman ayah di utara mengikut kehendak ayah. Saya, ibu dan adik sangat gembira, kami ingin datang ke majlis persandingan abang. Namun, ayah dan isteri mudanya menghalang ibu dari hadir ke majlis ini! Hancur luluh hati ibu..Sampainya hati ayah buat ibu begitu! Abang pula tiada pilihan lain selain mengikut cakap ayah. Aku tahu abang serba salah. Diluah mati mak ditelan mati ayah.

Adilkah ayah buat begitu kepada ibu? Saya bukan menentang poligami secara membabi-buta. Tapi kalau ini lah caranya, hingga ibu menderita; saya tak boleh terima. Ayah sepatutnya menjalankan poligami secara adil. Adil dalam segala-galanya. Ini tidak, dia hanya pentingkan isteri mudanya! Selagi boleh bertahan saya akan bertahan demi ibu tercinta.

Ayahku Kawin Lagi...

Ayah
Pernah dulu
Kamu sentiasa di hati

Ayah
Pernah dulu
Kamu yang sentiasa ada di sisi

Ayah
Pernah dulu
Sayang kamu tidak berbelah bagi
 
Tapi semua itu dulu
Tiada lagi semua itu

Kadang-kadang aku rasa marah
Kadang-kadang aku rasa benci
Mengapa perlu ada ”dia” di antara keluarga kita?

Nama aku Alias (bukan nama sebenar). Aku adalah anak daripada keluarga yang berpoligami. Mak adalah isteri pertama dan setelah setahun hidup berpoligami, ayah menceraikan mak. Aku sendri tidak faham kenapa ayah berpoligami. Entahlah, mungkin ayah ada sebabnya tersendiri.

Tidak dapat dinafikan sejak ayah berpoligami, dia banyak menghabiskan masa dengan ”mak muda”. Ayah selalu tiada pada hari-hari penting buat diriku. Majlis khatan, hari lahirku, ayah tiada di sisi, sedangkan hakikatnya aku masih punya ayah. Sedih, pedih dan kecewa semua bersatu. Aku marah dengan ayah. Kenapa dia seakan-akan lupa pada kami? Kenapa dia sentiasa di "sebelah sana"? Walaupun keluarga kami berada dalam situasi poligami selama setahun,  aku berasa bagaikan berkurun lamanya.

Bila ayah berpoligami, keluarga kami tidak seperti dulu lagi. Sering sahaja berlaku pertengkaran di antara mak dengan ayah. Tapi mak adalah seorang wanita yang sabar. 

Dia tidak mahu anak-anak risau tentang dirinya. Tapi mana mungkin anak-anak membiarkan mak sendiri bila ayah mula bertindak ganas.

Aku masih ingat satu hari bila berlaku perbalahan di antara ayah dengan abang. Pada masa itu abang cuba mempertahankan mak. Bertumbuk, bertendang, berterajang… Aku menjadi takut melihat kejadian itu lalu aku menangis sekuat hati.  Trauma menyelubungi diri. Zaman kanak-kanakku tiada palitan pelangi; yang ada cuma hitam, gelap. Tiada istilah gembira dalam hidupku.

Bercerita tentang abang, dia memang seorang yang berani; berani melawan cakap ayah, berani hendak belasah ayah. Pernah apabila ayah lakukan keganasan terhadap mak, abang ambil parang. Abang sentiasa melindungi emak dan adik-adiknya. 

Dulu aku sangat mengkagumi ayah. Aku sangat bangga dengan ayah. Ayah seorang ahli perniagaan yang berjaya. Selalu mengajar dan menggalakkan aku belajar Bahasa Inggeris, bertutur dalam Bahasa Inggeris. Aku akui hasil didikan ayahlah aku fasih berbahasa Inggeris. Tetapi sejak berpoligami, tiada lagi masanya untuk itu semua.

Sebelum mak dengan ayah bercerai, aku ada bertanya kepada ayah. Kenapa dia bukan ayah yang baik kepada kami? Tapi aku sedar mak adalah orang yang menjadi tali ikatan hubungan kami anak-beranak. Mak tidak suka anak-anaknya kurang ajar dengan ayah. Walau seburuk manapun, dia tetap ayah kepada kami. Sebab itu lah aku mesti lindungi mak.

Kadang-kadang aku ada terfikir untuk menjadi seperti ayah. Hidup berpoligami. Tetapi aku mahu laksanakan poligami yang adil; bukan yang ayah praktikkan. Kalau boleh aku nak ada empat isteri, kalu tidak mampu barulah tiga, dua atau satu. Isteri-isteri aku nanti duduk dalam satu rumah yang sama, saling hormat menghormati dan sepakat. Kalau berpoligami, aku akan mengambil balu atau janda yang ada anak seperti yang disebutkan dalam Al-Quran, sebagai isteri-isteriku.

Lelaki yang berpoligami haruslah menjadi pelindung dan pemberi nafkah. Kini aku mengkagumi apa yang Rasullullah SWT praktikkan. Pada aku hubungan suami isteri adalah seperti Ying dan Yang. Saling lengkap melengkapi. Hidup berumahtangga perlu dilimpahi dengan kasih sayang, bukan dengan keganasan.

I Dropped Out of College Because My Father Took On Another Wife

I’m a son of the first wife in a polygamous marriage. I don’t really know when my father took a second wife because my parents don’t share information freely with their children. All I know is that when I was around twenty years of age, my mother’s personality changed and she became very quick-tempered. I also notice that since then, her relationship with my father has been rather tense.

While I was studying in a college in Perak, I came home on a semester break. My mother broke down into tears and told me that my father had taken another wife. That was in 2006, and I was 21 years of age at the time.

The effect it had on me

Thinking back, my mother’s revelation and witnessing her distress could have been one of the factors which caused me to drop out of the course I had enrolled into after school.

As far as I can remember, we didn’t encounter any financial difficulties, mainly because my mother worked as a primary school teacher to supplement the family income. But the situation changed when in 2006 my mother stopped work citing health reasons. Now that I’ve started college again – in Melaka – I’m forced to seek financial assistance from my father. But he gets upset each time I ask for money.

My father’s a school teacher too – he teaches Chemistry in a secondary school. Once, some time ago, I asked my father for some money to cover my financial commitments. He became angry saying that he could not afford the sum. On the same day, my mother rifled through his belongings and found a receipt for RM700. It was quite obvious that he had gone on a shopping spree ... with his other wife. My mother and I were struck by the unfairness of it all. I thought it was completely unjust, and felt deeply saddened by the whole incident.

My mother

My mother, like me, keeps most of her thoughts and emotions to herself. She seldom confides in anyone. But lately, I notice that mother has been talking quite a bit about things that go on around her to my sister – ever since the latter turned 21. My sister, in turn, relays information about my mother to me (writer: Amer has 2 younger sisters and 1 elder brother – there are four children altogether). This has helped me understand my mother a little better.

Family dynamics

I suppose I still respect him, as he is my father after all. But I love and respect my mother more. I pity her all that she has to go through. I think that every son should be able to look up to his father. A father should be his son’s hero. But my illusion crumbled the day my mother cried and told me about his taking another wife.

Whenever my mother complains about my father to me I feel sad and wonder why he has changed so much. Although I still respect him, my love for him has lessened and our relationship is now rather strained and distant. We hardly talk anymore. I can’t help but compare this with the times when he used to ask me to accompany him on walks, or when we’d have a coffee together – we used to share a certain closeness. Nowadays those activities together don’t exist anymore. They stopped when I was about 18 years of age. I don’t complain about it at all, not even to my mother. Most times I simply don’t feel like sharing my feelings with anyone.

I’m actually the second child in my family. My elder brother doesn’t seem to care as much about our family situation because he studied overseas and lived away most of the time. Moreover, he’s a working man now and seldom comes home.

My father is not the kind of person who likes going out or travelling. If he did take a vacation, it would only be during the end year (long) school holidays. I can recall only 3 or 4 times that he has taken us to Kuala Lumpur (KL). My own mother and I live in Kelantan, and to the best of my knowledge so does his second wife.

Thoughts on polygamy

I wouldn’t encourage my sisters to become second wives. Even if a colleague were to ask for my advice, I would warn him that there were more disadvantages than advantages. I’m not too concerned about the financial aspect – I have problems with the concept of dividing up love. If you can’t measure something (e.g. love), how could you possibly divide it? I feel the same way about the notion of time. My father does not return home for a few nights each week – and when he does, he brings his work home (as he’s a teacher).

I’ve never heard my mother argue with my father, though she did say to me once, “please grow up quickly, and find a decent job as fast as possible –I would like to live with you in your own home some day.” I’m guessing that something my father had said or done that day had caused her to become upset and worried. I have never brought up the matter to my father.

Arrangements

When it comes to Raya (Aidil Fitri) celebrations, my father is at our home on all 3 days. We usually visit his relatives on the first day, then my mother’s relatives in her village on the second day. On the third day, we’d all stay at home. After those 3 days are over, then only would he proceed to go off to his second wife’s home.

I’ve never met my stepmother, and I’m not sure if she has borne any children with my father. I know that she once expressed a desire to come and visit us – there was a religious event being planned in our home – but my mother forbade it. I don’t know if my mother has ever met her. It’s inevitable I suppose that I’ll meet up with her some day, but I shall never regard her as my mother. I prefer to treat her like an aunt.

Emotions

On the one hand I don’t think I feel raging anger towards my father over what he did. On the other hand, I did not do well and dropped out of the first college (UTP in Perak)) I attended because I wanted to ‘get back’ at him (he used “dendam”). My younger sibling must feel the same way because he too acted up while attending college in another state (ITM in Dungun).

I notice that my mother has become more religious now. She wakes up at 4am on most days to pray. I carry out my religious obligations and pray too – very often I pray for my mother’s happiness.

My Mother Sacrificed Everything For Her Children ... Father Was Never Present

I found out that my father had married another wife when I was 12 years old. Although in truth, I was already suspicious around the age of 10, when he started staying out and not coming home. He never sat me down to talk about it - I found out from his own siblings, my uncles and aunts. By the time I discovered that he had married another, his second wife had already borne him five children and they were quite grown up already. I cannot really describe how I felt when I first found out. To say that I felt no anger at all would be a lie - after all I’m only human. Although I think my father an irresponsible man for doing what he did, on the positive side, he’s a calm person who seldom loses his temper. I would like to think that he didn’t tell his first family that is, my mother, siblings and me, about his second marriage, to save us from feeling hurt and disappointed.

My mother, my hero
Nevertheless, when I compare my father and all that he has done to my mother, I can’t help but think that his actions are that of an irresponsible person. I regard my mother as his complete polar opposite - she has sacrificed so much for us. Her love for us, her children, knows no bounds. Not only has she never taken out her anger on us, but she doesn’t ever reveal her own feelings of sadness ... never even letting out a sigh in our presence. What’s more amazing is that after everything she has gone though, she still cannot bring herself to utter a single negative word about our father for fear of turning us against him. The only indication I get of her innermost emotions is when she advises me to not marry more than one wife; she also cautions my sister to not get involved with any married men. But, she then adds that if such actions are unavoidable, then we should at least try to be fair ... like my father. I really admire her sense of loyalty.

Effect on studies and personality
I think that my father’s taking on another wife did affect my academic progress to some extent. I was due to sit for my UPSR exams (a crucial one for entry into secondary school) on the year that I found out about his second marriage. It was a real struggle when he stopped providing me financial support that year. Then, a few years later when I sat for my PMR (an important examination for students in year 9), I felt so dejected that I did not sit for one of the papers. I went into the exam hall, put some random markings down on the exam paper, and then left after just half an hour.

I’m aware that I seem a bit gentle for a man. But perhaps that’s because I didn’t have a proper role model or someone to emulate. My father never allowed me to take part in outdoor activities such as climbing trees, cycling or playing energetic games with other children whilst I was a child. He thought of those as ‘wild’ activities and was quite controlling of us that way. That probably shaped my personality: I’m the one that does all the cooking at home, even for festive periods, and not my younger sister. I don’t mind it though as it makes me feel very self-sufficient.

Looking back, I realise that since a very young age, all the house work was done by me: whether it’s marketing, doing the laundry, cooking or taking care of my little sister whenever my mother was ill ... even though I often felt that those were not my duties. I mean, my father is still alive and well, why was I required to take on all those tasks?

My life has been a very difficult one, filled with a lot of suffering. I kept those feelings in my heart though, never once arguing with or being rude to my father. I’m constantly mindful of my mother’s words ... to always respect him. But deep down I know I don’t love him. Now that I’m all grown up and things have stabilised, my father has decided to return to live with us. What on earth for?

Don’t get me wrong, I will take care of him if he’s seriously ill and his other wife refuses to care for him. I somehow feel that it’s my duty – that if I didn’t, then it would be a great sin on my part. That should be enough on my part right? To have to offer him love ... I can’t do that when what I really want to say is “I wish you would stop all these lies and deception!”.

My Emotions
All this time I have felt so very disappointed in my father. How could he do this to us? Here we were, his whole family forced to sell nasi lemak and he had the audacity to marry another? Imagine having to find out later that my mother had lied to us to make him look good – to cover the fact that for so many years he had never given us any financial support. I had actually believed that each time he went out, he was trying to earn a living ... for us!

I see myself as being quite religious as I consistently carry out all my religious obligations. When I was younger, I constantly questioned my situation, even asking God why I had to sell nasi lemak ... why we couldn’t even afford school uniforms. I’m ashamed to admit that at times, I vented out my frustration on my two younger siblings.

Oh how I envy others when I see them with their fathers. Whenever I watched my uncles and aunts on both sides of my family with their children on Raya day, I would feel especially sad. The fathers would hug their children and touch their heads with fondness – I never experienced any of that. My father was never very involved in my life: he has never held my hand, and is never present on the first day of Hari Raya. It’s the first time I’m bringing this matter up. Whenever when people asked me, I always said that he did celebrate Raya with us - even though wasn’t true. Not once have I made him look bad in the eyes of others.

At school, when I realised that many of the students had fathers were supportive of their achievements, I would feel sad. For example, when I won an award for being an outstanding student, my father did not even bother attend the ceremony and witness me receiving it. And yet I carry his name, it’s attached to mine. If it were up to me, I would’ve changed it ages ago so that my mother’s name is appended to mine, not his. Do you know that I’ve never written his name in the column provided for ‘guardian’ on any official forms? It angers me so much even thinking about it. Whenever possible I just sign off as A**r F******n ... I refuse to write ‘bin (son of) A****d F***l’.

There was one time I went to live with him (and his second wife) for a month in order to learn how to drive. I had also hoped to obtain a car from him. Once I got what I wanted, I left. He has no way of knowing what my true feelings for him are as I’ve never spoken harshly to him. Whenever he became irritated with me, I just obeyed his wishes and did as I was told ... but only God knew what my innermost feelings were at that time!

People say that although you can’t see or measure love, the recipient can surely sense it if he is loved, and he feels secure in that knowledge. Although my father gave me a car, which I never explicitly asked for, I would much prefer he return the four years to me – the time he disappeared from our lives. Give me back those years instead, as a present.

The person I talk to and share everything with is my mother. My uncle does occasionally provide financial support, but I have never gone to him for emotional support or advice. Sometimes I turn to my school teacher as he’s quite helpful. As for my father, I feel shunned, rejected and of no significance to him - if we, his first family were important to him, how could he leave us like he did for four whole years?

Relationship with siblings
My younger sister F**h lived with my grandmother from the time she (F**h) was one month old. I knew I had a sister out there, but because she seldom came home, she felt more like a cousin to me. We weren’t close at all; she came back to live with us when she was 7 years of age just before entering Year 1 of Primary School (I was in year 3). I wanted her to leave and go back to her home, as at that time I thought that my grandmother was her biological mother - especially since we called our grandma “mak” (the Malay word for mother). F**h was too young to help me sell nasi lemak so she merely accompanied me. Sometimes I was asked to chaperone her around because we were once chased by some bad types. Eventually, she ran away from my grandparents’ home at 18.

If I were to become her legal guardian some day, I certainly wouldn’t agree to her marrying an already married man. I think she will definitely suffer and inevitably appear on my doorstep. I won’t agree to her being either the first or the second wife in a polygamous marriage as I don’t want to see her suffer. I know how hard it is to be completely fair and just in that kind of union, so you can be assured that I myself will never engage in polygamy.

I’ve never regarded my father’s second wife as a mother, but I do regard myself as an elder brother to four younger siblings (the children from the second marriage). Farah too has problems accepting the second family – all the while she thought that she was the youngest child; she was shocked to learn that there were four more children after her. She found out when she was 18 and has felt strange about it ever since then, in spite of the fact that she was never close to our father. She hardly saw him in the first 13 years of her life - her father figure was my late grandfather.

Relatives’ behaviour
My uncles often took pity on us. It was hard for them to stand by and watch a 7-9 year old boy sell rice each morning – with his sister tagging along. Farah and I were always late for school because of that - we could only get ready after we were done with selling all the nasi lemak. In fact, when money was short for groceries and school fees were due, we also sold some nasi lemak at our school. I used to get teased a lot by my schoolmates … it was very humiliating but I didn’t have a choice. Although I always longed to change my social status, I also don’t want to be too rich, as I see that as the reason my father married another - he felt he had the means to do so.

The relatives on my mother’s side disapproved of my father’s behaviour and those feelings somehow spilt over to me and caused them to dislike me intensely. I received the brunt of their loathing and not my sister because she had been looked after by that set of grandparents. They accused me of being exactly like my father and that if anything happened to my mother, they would only take care of my sister. I felt despised and rejected ... I was deeply hurt by all of this.

During the fasting month for example, my grandfather would call out the name of each and every grandchild to break the fast with him ... except mine. Grandfather even called me using derogative names. I didn’t understand any of it, what had I done to deserve this? But you know what, when my grandparents fell ill, I was the one who nursed them, took care of their every need, right down to getting rid of their excrement ... till the last of their days.

I felt that all the humiliation meted out by my grandparents – sometimes in front of other relatives or in public – all of this was caused by my father and his actions. There was one time when all the grandchildren visited grandma in the hospital ... everyone was walking leisurely except me, as I was carrying some heavy baskets up the few flights of stairs. The load somehow dropped from my hands when I reached her room, and through the open door she shouted “hey bangkai (carcass of a dead animal), you’re completely stupid!”. I was so embarrassed because her doctor and nurses were there to witness the whole episode. My mother was helpless and silent – even my uncles and aunts didn’t try talking to my grandparents on my behalf.

However, my grandfather’s attitude changed towards me after he returned from Mecca – he had an epiphany of some sort whilst there. I don’t hold any grudges towards him. His last wishes were that I become a teacher; in fact I’m currently staying in the house that formerly belonged to my maternal grandparents’.

Thoughts on polygamy
I don’t think it’s possible to totally eradicate polygamy as it’s laid down in the Quran. In my opinion though, perhaps it could have been a practical solution during the time of the Prophet – maybe at that time they had to balance out the ratio of men to women? But I do think that it’s absolutely necessary to treat all your wives in a just and fair manner, whether you have 2, 3 or more.

I know a little about the IFL in terms of the conditions under which a man can marry again, regulations relating to the wives after the marriage, but I’m really not sure what’s laid down for the children. And I feel that even if the rules have been stipulated, but my father doesn’t abide by them, what can anyone do? Even if I had legal rights, I wouldn’t know how to go about asserting them. His last will and testament is surely up to him.

Comparing the two households
I now feel that I can exist without him especially after all those early years of financial hardship. I’m not trying to punish him; but he was supposed to be fair and just. In the time I spent at his second home, I witnessed how he treated his second family. The daily life in that household was so different that I decided to start a journal and wrote everything that I saw and felt whilst there. For example he would cook for his second wife and children, something he never did in our house. Even if he returned home at 2.00 am he would ask my mother to whip up some dishes for him. How is it that he didn’t ever ask his second wife to do the same?

I don’t know why he behaves so differently there. His wife would always say “darling, could you go cook some dishes … make sure they’re delicious ones please” and he would do it. I have no intention of telling my mother any of this. In our home he passed all duties and responsibilities to my mother – she even bought our school uniforms with her own money. This was in spite of the fact that we were rather well-to-do when I was a child. I knew this because at that time I’d get everything I asked for. Why, we shopped at the then-famous Globe Silk Store almost daily! All my clothes were imported/branded ones.

But all that happened before he married for the second time. After that, we really suffered and I had to eat food that I had never tasted before – simple dishes like sambal, and potatoes. You can’t blame me for feeling abandoned and shunned. When I was at the house that he shares with his second wife, I noticed a photograph of him with his new family taken in Langkawi (a beach resort in Malaysia). I felt so hurt because he had always refused to take us, his first family, there. I resolved never to tell my mother about what I had observed whilst at that house – it would hurt her too much.

Conclusion
I always pray for my mother’s well-being and I’m even willing to forsake marriage for her sake - in order that I can always take care of her. Inherently, I know that my father will not nurse and care for her in her old age. He suffered a stroke recently you know – his speech was affected and it took him ages to get from one place to another. I’m convinced it was all his new wife’s doing. People all said that it was because of something she had done to him ... even the ustaz (religious leader) said so.