I found out that my father had married another wife when I was 12 years old. Although in truth, I was already suspicious around the age of 10, when he started staying out and not coming home. He never sat me down to talk about it - I found out from his own siblings, my uncles and aunts. By the time I discovered that he had married another, his second wife had already borne him five children and they were quite grown up already. I cannot really describe how I felt when I first found out. To say that I felt no anger at all would be a lie - after all I’m only human. Although I think my father an irresponsible man for doing what he did, on the positive side, he’s a calm person who seldom loses his temper. I would like to think that he didn’t tell his first family that is, my mother, siblings and me, about his second marriage, to save us from feeling hurt and disappointed.
My mother, my hero
Nevertheless, when I compare my father and all that he has done to my mother, I can’t help but think that his actions are that of an irresponsible person. I regard my mother as his complete polar opposite - she has sacrificed so much for us. Her love for us, her children, knows no bounds. Not only has she never taken out her anger on us, but she doesn’t ever reveal her own feelings of sadness ... never even letting out a sigh in our presence. What’s more amazing is that after everything she has gone though, she still cannot bring herself to utter a single negative word about our father for fear of turning us against him. The only indication I get of her innermost emotions is when she advises me to not marry more than one wife; she also cautions my sister to not get involved with any married men. But, she then adds that if such actions are unavoidable, then we should at least try to be fair ... like my father. I really admire her sense of loyalty.
Effect on studies and personality
I think that my father’s taking on another wife did affect my academic progress to some extent. I was due to sit for my UPSR exams (a crucial one for entry into secondary school) on the year that I found out about his second marriage. It was a real struggle when he stopped providing me financial support that year. Then, a few years later when I sat for my PMR (an important examination for students in year 9), I felt so dejected that I did not sit for one of the papers. I went into the exam hall, put some random markings down on the exam paper, and then left after just half an hour.
I’m aware that I seem a bit gentle for a man. But perhaps that’s because I didn’t have a proper role model or someone to emulate. My father never allowed me to take part in outdoor activities such as climbing trees, cycling or playing energetic games with other children whilst I was a child. He thought of those as ‘wild’ activities and was quite controlling of us that way. That probably shaped my personality: I’m the one that does all the cooking at home, even for festive periods, and not my younger sister. I don’t mind it though as it makes me feel very self-sufficient.
Looking back, I realise that since a very young age, all the house work was done by me: whether it’s marketing, doing the laundry, cooking or taking care of my little sister whenever my mother was ill ... even though I often felt that those were not my duties. I mean, my father is still alive and well, why was I required to take on all those tasks?
My life has been a very difficult one, filled with a lot of suffering. I kept those feelings in my heart though, never once arguing with or being rude to my father. I’m constantly mindful of my mother’s words ... to always respect him. But deep down I know I don’t love him. Now that I’m all grown up and things have stabilised, my father has decided to return to live with us. What on earth for?
Don’t get me wrong, I will take care of him if he’s seriously ill and his other wife refuses to care for him. I somehow feel that it’s my duty – that if I didn’t, then it would be a great sin on my part. That should be enough on my part right? To have to offer him love ... I can’t do that when what I really want to say is “I wish you would stop all these lies and deception!”.
My Emotions
All this time I have felt so very disappointed in my father. How could he do this to us? Here we were, his whole family forced to sell nasi lemak and he had the audacity to marry another? Imagine having to find out later that my mother had lied to us to make him look good – to cover the fact that for so many years he had never given us any financial support. I had actually believed that each time he went out, he was trying to earn a living ... for us!
I see myself as being quite religious as I consistently carry out all my religious obligations. When I was younger, I constantly questioned my situation, even asking God why I had to sell nasi lemak ... why we couldn’t even afford school uniforms. I’m ashamed to admit that at times, I vented out my frustration on my two younger siblings.
Oh how I envy others when I see them with their fathers. Whenever I watched my uncles and aunts on both sides of my family with their children on Raya day, I would feel especially sad. The fathers would hug their children and touch their heads with fondness – I never experienced any of that. My father was never very involved in my life: he has never held my hand, and is never present on the first day of Hari Raya. It’s the first time I’m bringing this matter up. Whenever when people asked me, I always said that he did celebrate Raya with us - even though wasn’t true. Not once have I made him look bad in the eyes of others.
At school, when I realised that many of the students had fathers were supportive of their achievements, I would feel sad. For example, when I won an award for being an outstanding student, my father did not even bother attend the ceremony and witness me receiving it. And yet I carry his name, it’s attached to mine. If it were up to me, I would’ve changed it ages ago so that my mother’s name is appended to mine, not his. Do you know that I’ve never written his name in the column provided for ‘guardian’ on any official forms? It angers me so much even thinking about it. Whenever possible I just sign off as A**r F******n ... I refuse to write ‘bin (son of) A****d F***l’.
There was one time I went to live with him (and his second wife) for a month in order to learn how to drive. I had also hoped to obtain a car from him. Once I got what I wanted, I left. He has no way of knowing what my true feelings for him are as I’ve never spoken harshly to him. Whenever he became irritated with me, I just obeyed his wishes and did as I was told ... but only God knew what my innermost feelings were at that time!
People say that although you can’t see or measure love, the recipient can surely sense it if he is loved, and he feels secure in that knowledge. Although my father gave me a car, which I never explicitly asked for, I would much prefer he return the four years to me – the time he disappeared from our lives. Give me back those years instead, as a present.
The person I talk to and share everything with is my mother. My uncle does occasionally provide financial support, but I have never gone to him for emotional support or advice. Sometimes I turn to my school teacher as he’s quite helpful. As for my father, I feel shunned, rejected and of no significance to him - if we, his first family were important to him, how could he leave us like he did for four whole years?
Relationship with siblings
My younger sister F**h lived with my grandmother from the time she (F**h) was one month old. I knew I had a sister out there, but because she seldom came home, she felt more like a cousin to me. We weren’t close at all; she came back to live with us when she was 7 years of age just before entering Year 1 of Primary School (I was in year 3). I wanted her to leave and go back to her home, as at that time I thought that my grandmother was her biological mother - especially since we called our grandma “mak” (the Malay word for mother). F**h was too young to help me sell nasi lemak so she merely accompanied me. Sometimes I was asked to chaperone her around because we were once chased by some bad types. Eventually, she ran away from my grandparents’ home at 18.
If I were to become her legal guardian some day, I certainly wouldn’t agree to her marrying an already married man. I think she will definitely suffer and inevitably appear on my doorstep. I won’t agree to her being either the first or the second wife in a polygamous marriage as I don’t want to see her suffer. I know how hard it is to be completely fair and just in that kind of union, so you can be assured that I myself will never engage in polygamy.
My mother, my hero
Nevertheless, when I compare my father and all that he has done to my mother, I can’t help but think that his actions are that of an irresponsible person. I regard my mother as his complete polar opposite - she has sacrificed so much for us. Her love for us, her children, knows no bounds. Not only has she never taken out her anger on us, but she doesn’t ever reveal her own feelings of sadness ... never even letting out a sigh in our presence. What’s more amazing is that after everything she has gone though, she still cannot bring herself to utter a single negative word about our father for fear of turning us against him. The only indication I get of her innermost emotions is when she advises me to not marry more than one wife; she also cautions my sister to not get involved with any married men. But, she then adds that if such actions are unavoidable, then we should at least try to be fair ... like my father. I really admire her sense of loyalty.
Effect on studies and personality
I think that my father’s taking on another wife did affect my academic progress to some extent. I was due to sit for my UPSR exams (a crucial one for entry into secondary school) on the year that I found out about his second marriage. It was a real struggle when he stopped providing me financial support that year. Then, a few years later when I sat for my PMR (an important examination for students in year 9), I felt so dejected that I did not sit for one of the papers. I went into the exam hall, put some random markings down on the exam paper, and then left after just half an hour.
I’m aware that I seem a bit gentle for a man. But perhaps that’s because I didn’t have a proper role model or someone to emulate. My father never allowed me to take part in outdoor activities such as climbing trees, cycling or playing energetic games with other children whilst I was a child. He thought of those as ‘wild’ activities and was quite controlling of us that way. That probably shaped my personality: I’m the one that does all the cooking at home, even for festive periods, and not my younger sister. I don’t mind it though as it makes me feel very self-sufficient.
Looking back, I realise that since a very young age, all the house work was done by me: whether it’s marketing, doing the laundry, cooking or taking care of my little sister whenever my mother was ill ... even though I often felt that those were not my duties. I mean, my father is still alive and well, why was I required to take on all those tasks?
My life has been a very difficult one, filled with a lot of suffering. I kept those feelings in my heart though, never once arguing with or being rude to my father. I’m constantly mindful of my mother’s words ... to always respect him. But deep down I know I don’t love him. Now that I’m all grown up and things have stabilised, my father has decided to return to live with us. What on earth for?
Don’t get me wrong, I will take care of him if he’s seriously ill and his other wife refuses to care for him. I somehow feel that it’s my duty – that if I didn’t, then it would be a great sin on my part. That should be enough on my part right? To have to offer him love ... I can’t do that when what I really want to say is “I wish you would stop all these lies and deception!”.
My Emotions
All this time I have felt so very disappointed in my father. How could he do this to us? Here we were, his whole family forced to sell nasi lemak and he had the audacity to marry another? Imagine having to find out later that my mother had lied to us to make him look good – to cover the fact that for so many years he had never given us any financial support. I had actually believed that each time he went out, he was trying to earn a living ... for us!
I see myself as being quite religious as I consistently carry out all my religious obligations. When I was younger, I constantly questioned my situation, even asking God why I had to sell nasi lemak ... why we couldn’t even afford school uniforms. I’m ashamed to admit that at times, I vented out my frustration on my two younger siblings.
Oh how I envy others when I see them with their fathers. Whenever I watched my uncles and aunts on both sides of my family with their children on Raya day, I would feel especially sad. The fathers would hug their children and touch their heads with fondness – I never experienced any of that. My father was never very involved in my life: he has never held my hand, and is never present on the first day of Hari Raya. It’s the first time I’m bringing this matter up. Whenever when people asked me, I always said that he did celebrate Raya with us - even though wasn’t true. Not once have I made him look bad in the eyes of others.
At school, when I realised that many of the students had fathers were supportive of their achievements, I would feel sad. For example, when I won an award for being an outstanding student, my father did not even bother attend the ceremony and witness me receiving it. And yet I carry his name, it’s attached to mine. If it were up to me, I would’ve changed it ages ago so that my mother’s name is appended to mine, not his. Do you know that I’ve never written his name in the column provided for ‘guardian’ on any official forms? It angers me so much even thinking about it. Whenever possible I just sign off as A**r F******n ... I refuse to write ‘bin (son of) A****d F***l’.
There was one time I went to live with him (and his second wife) for a month in order to learn how to drive. I had also hoped to obtain a car from him. Once I got what I wanted, I left. He has no way of knowing what my true feelings for him are as I’ve never spoken harshly to him. Whenever he became irritated with me, I just obeyed his wishes and did as I was told ... but only God knew what my innermost feelings were at that time!
People say that although you can’t see or measure love, the recipient can surely sense it if he is loved, and he feels secure in that knowledge. Although my father gave me a car, which I never explicitly asked for, I would much prefer he return the four years to me – the time he disappeared from our lives. Give me back those years instead, as a present.
The person I talk to and share everything with is my mother. My uncle does occasionally provide financial support, but I have never gone to him for emotional support or advice. Sometimes I turn to my school teacher as he’s quite helpful. As for my father, I feel shunned, rejected and of no significance to him - if we, his first family were important to him, how could he leave us like he did for four whole years?
Relationship with siblings
My younger sister F**h lived with my grandmother from the time she (F**h) was one month old. I knew I had a sister out there, but because she seldom came home, she felt more like a cousin to me. We weren’t close at all; she came back to live with us when she was 7 years of age just before entering Year 1 of Primary School (I was in year 3). I wanted her to leave and go back to her home, as at that time I thought that my grandmother was her biological mother - especially since we called our grandma “mak” (the Malay word for mother). F**h was too young to help me sell nasi lemak so she merely accompanied me. Sometimes I was asked to chaperone her around because we were once chased by some bad types. Eventually, she ran away from my grandparents’ home at 18.
If I were to become her legal guardian some day, I certainly wouldn’t agree to her marrying an already married man. I think she will definitely suffer and inevitably appear on my doorstep. I won’t agree to her being either the first or the second wife in a polygamous marriage as I don’t want to see her suffer. I know how hard it is to be completely fair and just in that kind of union, so you can be assured that I myself will never engage in polygamy.
I’ve never regarded my father’s second wife as a mother, but I do regard myself as an elder brother to four younger siblings (the children from the second marriage). Farah too has problems accepting the second family – all the while she thought that she was the youngest child; she was shocked to learn that there were four more children after her. She found out when she was 18 and has felt strange about it ever since then, in spite of the fact that she was never close to our father. She hardly saw him in the first 13 years of her life - her father figure was my late grandfather.
Relatives’ behaviour
My uncles often took pity on us. It was hard for them to stand by and watch a 7-9 year old boy sell rice each morning – with his sister tagging along. Farah and I were always late for school because of that - we could only get ready after we were done with selling all the nasi lemak. In fact, when money was short for groceries and school fees were due, we also sold some nasi lemak at our school. I used to get teased a lot by my schoolmates … it was very humiliating but I didn’t have a choice. Although I always longed to change my social status, I also don’t want to be too rich, as I see that as the reason my father married another - he felt he had the means to do so.
The relatives on my mother’s side disapproved of my father’s behaviour and those feelings somehow spilt over to me and caused them to dislike me intensely. I received the brunt of their loathing and not my sister because she had been looked after by that set of grandparents. They accused me of being exactly like my father and that if anything happened to my mother, they would only take care of my sister. I felt despised and rejected ... I was deeply hurt by all of this.
During the fasting month for example, my grandfather would call out the name of each and every grandchild to break the fast with him ... except mine. Grandfather even called me using derogative names. I didn’t understand any of it, what had I done to deserve this? But you know what, when my grandparents fell ill, I was the one who nursed them, took care of their every need, right down to getting rid of their excrement ... till the last of their days.
I felt that all the humiliation meted out by my grandparents – sometimes in front of other relatives or in public – all of this was caused by my father and his actions. There was one time when all the grandchildren visited grandma in the hospital ... everyone was walking leisurely except me, as I was carrying some heavy baskets up the few flights of stairs. The load somehow dropped from my hands when I reached her room, and through the open door she shouted “hey bangkai (carcass of a dead animal), you’re completely stupid!”. I was so embarrassed because her doctor and nurses were there to witness the whole episode. My mother was helpless and silent – even my uncles and aunts didn’t try talking to my grandparents on my behalf.
However, my grandfather’s attitude changed towards me after he returned from Mecca – he had an epiphany of some sort whilst there. I don’t hold any grudges towards him. His last wishes were that I become a teacher; in fact I’m currently staying in the house that formerly belonged to my maternal grandparents’.
Thoughts on polygamy
I don’t think it’s possible to totally eradicate polygamy as it’s laid down in the Quran. In my opinion though, perhaps it could have been a practical solution during the time of the Prophet – maybe at that time they had to balance out the ratio of men to women? But I do think that it’s absolutely necessary to treat all your wives in a just and fair manner, whether you have 2, 3 or more.
I know a little about the IFL in terms of the conditions under which a man can marry again, regulations relating to the wives after the marriage, but I’m really not sure what’s laid down for the children. And I feel that even if the rules have been stipulated, but my father doesn’t abide by them, what can anyone do? Even if I had legal rights, I wouldn’t know how to go about asserting them. His last will and testament is surely up to him.
Comparing the two households
I now feel that I can exist without him especially after all those early years of financial hardship. I’m not trying to punish him; but he was supposed to be fair and just. In the time I spent at his second home, I witnessed how he treated his second family. The daily life in that household was so different that I decided to start a journal and wrote everything that I saw and felt whilst there. For example he would cook for his second wife and children, something he never did in our house. Even if he returned home at 2.00 am he would ask my mother to whip up some dishes for him. How is it that he didn’t ever ask his second wife to do the same?
I don’t know why he behaves so differently there. His wife would always say “darling, could you go cook some dishes … make sure they’re delicious ones please” and he would do it. I have no intention of telling my mother any of this. In our home he passed all duties and responsibilities to my mother – she even bought our school uniforms with her own money. This was in spite of the fact that we were rather well-to-do when I was a child. I knew this because at that time I’d get everything I asked for. Why, we shopped at the then-famous Globe Silk Store almost daily! All my clothes were imported/branded ones.
But all that happened before he married for the second time. After that, we really suffered and I had to eat food that I had never tasted before – simple dishes like sambal, and potatoes. You can’t blame me for feeling abandoned and shunned. When I was at the house that he shares with his second wife, I noticed a photograph of him with his new family taken in Langkawi (a beach resort in Malaysia). I felt so hurt because he had always refused to take us, his first family, there. I resolved never to tell my mother about what I had observed whilst at that house – it would hurt her too much.
Conclusion
I always pray for my mother’s well-being and I’m even willing to forsake marriage for her sake - in order that I can always take care of her. Inherently, I know that my father will not nurse and care for her in her old age. He suffered a stroke recently you know – his speech was affected and it took him ages to get from one place to another. I’m convinced it was all his new wife’s doing. People all said that it was because of something she had done to him ... even the ustaz (religious leader) said so.
Relatives’ behaviour
My uncles often took pity on us. It was hard for them to stand by and watch a 7-9 year old boy sell rice each morning – with his sister tagging along. Farah and I were always late for school because of that - we could only get ready after we were done with selling all the nasi lemak. In fact, when money was short for groceries and school fees were due, we also sold some nasi lemak at our school. I used to get teased a lot by my schoolmates … it was very humiliating but I didn’t have a choice. Although I always longed to change my social status, I also don’t want to be too rich, as I see that as the reason my father married another - he felt he had the means to do so.
The relatives on my mother’s side disapproved of my father’s behaviour and those feelings somehow spilt over to me and caused them to dislike me intensely. I received the brunt of their loathing and not my sister because she had been looked after by that set of grandparents. They accused me of being exactly like my father and that if anything happened to my mother, they would only take care of my sister. I felt despised and rejected ... I was deeply hurt by all of this.
During the fasting month for example, my grandfather would call out the name of each and every grandchild to break the fast with him ... except mine. Grandfather even called me using derogative names. I didn’t understand any of it, what had I done to deserve this? But you know what, when my grandparents fell ill, I was the one who nursed them, took care of their every need, right down to getting rid of their excrement ... till the last of their days.
I felt that all the humiliation meted out by my grandparents – sometimes in front of other relatives or in public – all of this was caused by my father and his actions. There was one time when all the grandchildren visited grandma in the hospital ... everyone was walking leisurely except me, as I was carrying some heavy baskets up the few flights of stairs. The load somehow dropped from my hands when I reached her room, and through the open door she shouted “hey bangkai (carcass of a dead animal), you’re completely stupid!”. I was so embarrassed because her doctor and nurses were there to witness the whole episode. My mother was helpless and silent – even my uncles and aunts didn’t try talking to my grandparents on my behalf.
However, my grandfather’s attitude changed towards me after he returned from Mecca – he had an epiphany of some sort whilst there. I don’t hold any grudges towards him. His last wishes were that I become a teacher; in fact I’m currently staying in the house that formerly belonged to my maternal grandparents’.
Thoughts on polygamy
I don’t think it’s possible to totally eradicate polygamy as it’s laid down in the Quran. In my opinion though, perhaps it could have been a practical solution during the time of the Prophet – maybe at that time they had to balance out the ratio of men to women? But I do think that it’s absolutely necessary to treat all your wives in a just and fair manner, whether you have 2, 3 or more.
I know a little about the IFL in terms of the conditions under which a man can marry again, regulations relating to the wives after the marriage, but I’m really not sure what’s laid down for the children. And I feel that even if the rules have been stipulated, but my father doesn’t abide by them, what can anyone do? Even if I had legal rights, I wouldn’t know how to go about asserting them. His last will and testament is surely up to him.
Comparing the two households
I now feel that I can exist without him especially after all those early years of financial hardship. I’m not trying to punish him; but he was supposed to be fair and just. In the time I spent at his second home, I witnessed how he treated his second family. The daily life in that household was so different that I decided to start a journal and wrote everything that I saw and felt whilst there. For example he would cook for his second wife and children, something he never did in our house. Even if he returned home at 2.00 am he would ask my mother to whip up some dishes for him. How is it that he didn’t ever ask his second wife to do the same?
I don’t know why he behaves so differently there. His wife would always say “darling, could you go cook some dishes … make sure they’re delicious ones please” and he would do it. I have no intention of telling my mother any of this. In our home he passed all duties and responsibilities to my mother – she even bought our school uniforms with her own money. This was in spite of the fact that we were rather well-to-do when I was a child. I knew this because at that time I’d get everything I asked for. Why, we shopped at the then-famous Globe Silk Store almost daily! All my clothes were imported/branded ones.
But all that happened before he married for the second time. After that, we really suffered and I had to eat food that I had never tasted before – simple dishes like sambal, and potatoes. You can’t blame me for feeling abandoned and shunned. When I was at the house that he shares with his second wife, I noticed a photograph of him with his new family taken in Langkawi (a beach resort in Malaysia). I felt so hurt because he had always refused to take us, his first family, there. I resolved never to tell my mother about what I had observed whilst at that house – it would hurt her too much.
Conclusion
I always pray for my mother’s well-being and I’m even willing to forsake marriage for her sake - in order that I can always take care of her. Inherently, I know that my father will not nurse and care for her in her old age. He suffered a stroke recently you know – his speech was affected and it took him ages to get from one place to another. I’m convinced it was all his new wife’s doing. People all said that it was because of something she had done to him ... even the ustaz (religious leader) said so.
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