I Dropped Out of College Because My Father Took On Another Wife

I’m a son of the first wife in a polygamous marriage. I don’t really know when my father took a second wife because my parents don’t share information freely with their children. All I know is that when I was around twenty years of age, my mother’s personality changed and she became very quick-tempered. I also notice that since then, her relationship with my father has been rather tense.

While I was studying in a college in Perak, I came home on a semester break. My mother broke down into tears and told me that my father had taken another wife. That was in 2006, and I was 21 years of age at the time.

The effect it had on me

Thinking back, my mother’s revelation and witnessing her distress could have been one of the factors which caused me to drop out of the course I had enrolled into after school.

As far as I can remember, we didn’t encounter any financial difficulties, mainly because my mother worked as a primary school teacher to supplement the family income. But the situation changed when in 2006 my mother stopped work citing health reasons. Now that I’ve started college again – in Melaka – I’m forced to seek financial assistance from my father. But he gets upset each time I ask for money.

My father’s a school teacher too – he teaches Chemistry in a secondary school. Once, some time ago, I asked my father for some money to cover my financial commitments. He became angry saying that he could not afford the sum. On the same day, my mother rifled through his belongings and found a receipt for RM700. It was quite obvious that he had gone on a shopping spree ... with his other wife. My mother and I were struck by the unfairness of it all. I thought it was completely unjust, and felt deeply saddened by the whole incident.

My mother

My mother, like me, keeps most of her thoughts and emotions to herself. She seldom confides in anyone. But lately, I notice that mother has been talking quite a bit about things that go on around her to my sister – ever since the latter turned 21. My sister, in turn, relays information about my mother to me (writer: Amer has 2 younger sisters and 1 elder brother – there are four children altogether). This has helped me understand my mother a little better.

Family dynamics

I suppose I still respect him, as he is my father after all. But I love and respect my mother more. I pity her all that she has to go through. I think that every son should be able to look up to his father. A father should be his son’s hero. But my illusion crumbled the day my mother cried and told me about his taking another wife.

Whenever my mother complains about my father to me I feel sad and wonder why he has changed so much. Although I still respect him, my love for him has lessened and our relationship is now rather strained and distant. We hardly talk anymore. I can’t help but compare this with the times when he used to ask me to accompany him on walks, or when we’d have a coffee together – we used to share a certain closeness. Nowadays those activities together don’t exist anymore. They stopped when I was about 18 years of age. I don’t complain about it at all, not even to my mother. Most times I simply don’t feel like sharing my feelings with anyone.

I’m actually the second child in my family. My elder brother doesn’t seem to care as much about our family situation because he studied overseas and lived away most of the time. Moreover, he’s a working man now and seldom comes home.

My father is not the kind of person who likes going out or travelling. If he did take a vacation, it would only be during the end year (long) school holidays. I can recall only 3 or 4 times that he has taken us to Kuala Lumpur (KL). My own mother and I live in Kelantan, and to the best of my knowledge so does his second wife.

Thoughts on polygamy

I wouldn’t encourage my sisters to become second wives. Even if a colleague were to ask for my advice, I would warn him that there were more disadvantages than advantages. I’m not too concerned about the financial aspect – I have problems with the concept of dividing up love. If you can’t measure something (e.g. love), how could you possibly divide it? I feel the same way about the notion of time. My father does not return home for a few nights each week – and when he does, he brings his work home (as he’s a teacher).

I’ve never heard my mother argue with my father, though she did say to me once, “please grow up quickly, and find a decent job as fast as possible –I would like to live with you in your own home some day.” I’m guessing that something my father had said or done that day had caused her to become upset and worried. I have never brought up the matter to my father.

Arrangements

When it comes to Raya (Aidil Fitri) celebrations, my father is at our home on all 3 days. We usually visit his relatives on the first day, then my mother’s relatives in her village on the second day. On the third day, we’d all stay at home. After those 3 days are over, then only would he proceed to go off to his second wife’s home.

I’ve never met my stepmother, and I’m not sure if she has borne any children with my father. I know that she once expressed a desire to come and visit us – there was a religious event being planned in our home – but my mother forbade it. I don’t know if my mother has ever met her. It’s inevitable I suppose that I’ll meet up with her some day, but I shall never regard her as my mother. I prefer to treat her like an aunt.

Emotions

On the one hand I don’t think I feel raging anger towards my father over what he did. On the other hand, I did not do well and dropped out of the first college (UTP in Perak)) I attended because I wanted to ‘get back’ at him (he used “dendam”). My younger sibling must feel the same way because he too acted up while attending college in another state (ITM in Dungun).

I notice that my mother has become more religious now. She wakes up at 4am on most days to pray. I carry out my religious obligations and pray too – very often I pray for my mother’s happiness.